Disquiet Soul
by Blue Roses
Summary: Remus thinks about his unrequited love for Sirius. Slashy theme.


Disquiet Soul.  
  
A Remus/Sirius fic by Blue Roses.  
  
Email: blue_roses42@hotmail.com  
  
Dedication: To everyone who has said nice things about my writing. May your loves always be requited.  
  
*Warning*: Mention of slashy thoughts, i.e. Remus wants Sirius, but doesn't have the courage to say anything. Lots and lots of Remus angst. Set some time after Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  
  
If you don't like this sort of thing, you don't have to read it :)  
  
Disclaimer: Remus, Sirius and all the other Harry Potter characters do not belong to me, neither do any of the TV characters mentioned. Don't sue, I'm feeling bad enough as it is!  
  
***  
  
I stand in the darkened room, not bothering to turn on the light. What little light there is makes interesting patterns on the walls, bringing out strange colours. One of the walls looks almost orange, where in real life it is rather a dull yellow. I know that it is simply the lights from outside staining the walls, but I let my mind wonder about the phenomenon.  
  
I have waited up like this every night since I left Hogwarts. I was only a few days ago that I realised why. I am waiting for Sirius.  
  
I know he won't come. Why should he? It would be risking too much for him, and anyway, he doesn't know where I am. It's not as if we had anything special either. We were friends, no more. If we had been lovers it might have been different, but it wasn't.  
  
A voice niggles in my head "And why wasn't it Remus? Because you were too scared to say anything to him. Too scared to take the chance and tell him you felt something for him."  
  
The usual voice replies, "What if he had rejected me? What would I have done next?"  
  
***  
  
I walk into the next room, wanting to leave that train of thought behind me. The action of walking in the dark reminds me of Mulder and Scully in the X-files, investigating a case. Of all the things that muggles have invented I think TV had to be the best. I spent a week in a muggle hotel once, and ever since I have bought a TV for wherever I happen to live. The voices do not fill the empty spaces, but sometimes I can pretend that they do.  
  
My favourite programme is the X-files, or Inspector Morse, followed by Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My thoughts fill with demon fighting teenagers, not too different from Harry Potter and his friends, I realise, although it always seems much dirtier somehow, when you are close to it. The total panic doesn't seem to come off on TV. The people wear to many cool clothes, and have perfect hair. Tragedy cannot really touch them.  
  
The way they dealed with the werewolf situation, though, I quite liked that. Not the romanticising stuff you normally see. Werewolves have problems too. Of course his weren't quite as bad as mine, I feel, but no matter.  
  
Thinking about my problems naturally leads me to thinking about Sirius. Again.  
  
I think about my list of unwritten New Year's resolutions.  
  
No. 1. Get out more.  
  
No. 2. Recycle.  
  
No. 3. Tell Sirius I love him.   
  
Yeah right. Like that'll happen. I've told myself to do it before, but there are even more reasons why it won't happen this year. He doesn't even know where I am, for God's sake. Even if he does decide to find me, because I know I'll have no luck finding him, how would I say it anyway?  
  
And what would happen if he rejected me?  
  
I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't expect the sky to fall if things don't go my way. Then again, I guess I am a hopeless romantic, because I don't expect things to go my way.   
  
I am under no illusions that he loves me. I can't help hoping and wishing he did, but it's very unlikely. If I were a betting man, I wouldn't stake anything on it, and I'm not one to leave things to chance.  
  
Then again, what do I have to loose? When we were at school I didn't want to risk the great friendship that we shared. I didn't think I could cope without him there in some way, so I persuaded myself that I could deal with having him just as a friend and I'd sublimate my desires for him into friendship.  
  
It didn't work, but then I wasn't expecting it to. Every time he smiled at me, my heart skipped. I'm pretty sure James must have known how I felt, it was obvious even to me that I was making a fool out of myself trying to prove myself somehow worthy of him, and trying to get into his good books. I would have done almost anything for him.  
  
Perhaps this time it will be different. Perhaps he will feel something in return.  
  
Yeah right, Remus. Perhaps pigs will fly.  
  
It's not just that he's straight, which he is, but even if he wasn't he's just so much better than me. We connect so readily, but I'm always afraid that he'll find out what a terrible person I am. He's so truthful, and I feel like I'm concealing my soul from him.  
  
Perhaps no. 4. on my New Years resolutions should be to improve my self esteem, but I don't deserve him. I should be content with our friendship. It is a wonderful thing really. Most people don't have that sort of ability to talk so readily and so quickly, even after suspecting each other for years.   
  
I have his forgiveness, I shouldn't expect his love.  
  
No. 3. of my New Years Resolutions will have to stay unfulfilled.  
  
Maybe next year.  
  
Probably never.  
  
  
  
A/N: I can't give this a happy, or even a very hopeful ending. This stuff cuts a bit close to home. Sorry :(  



End file.
